Right now, my downstairs neighbor is smoking weed, and I can smell it as it is wafting through my window. I also smell the night and hear my love cleaning himself in the shower situated adjacent to where I am.

Anywho…updated my book list. Went to the library today and borrowed three books. I’m excited to get reading. 1 hour of travelling is a pain, but also gives me ample time to read.

New job seems very exciting, yet I am also feeling quite apprehensive because I don’t know what to expect. Well, teaching English seems fun enough, but teaching Art…wow, that’s new to me!! Never taught art before…no idea how they got the idea into my head that I could do it. Not saying I can’t do it, but it will be quite…interesting….

Nothing much else…hmmm, I should give a quick mention that I went ot Amerca for 2 weeks to seem my family. I miss them so much and it was so nice to see them again. I want to see them again…again. *sigh* Well, the next time I see them will be less than a year.

I have no idea what I was thinking, making that movie list. I guess I didn’t want to go to sleep, lol.

Anyway, time to add to my (selfish) wish list! So many things I’d like to have some day! I like making wish lists because it’s like…hmmm…. It’s like a goal? Like a list of things that would make me happy and something to look forward to or work for. And to remind me of the things I could try to get!

Anyway, without further blah, new things on my wish list!

- A jewelry box! Wooden, maybe oriental/asian design. My jewelry are all over the place.
- A really nice knife set. The king that ranges about 30 to 150 per knife! I’m so sick of using my cheap knives that “rust” in the dishwasher, barely cuts, and are too fat.
- A really nice set of cookware. Non-stick, stainless steel, good handles, not too heavy.

Hmm, I’d put in a big kitchen on the list too, but it’s not exactly something I can buy and take home in the car. XD

Just suddenly felt like making a list of movies I’ve watched and liked (or kind of liked). Will be continued later…maybe even add it as a page on blog. Dunno. Whatever goes!! In whatever my head thinks of order.

Madagascar 1, 2: Escape to Africa
Zoolander
Deuce Bigalow Male Gigalo 1, 2; European Gigalo
Brüno
Borat
Shrek 1, 2, 3
The Rock
The Green Mile
The Little Mermaid
Angels and Demons
The Da Vinci Code
X-MEN 1, 2, 3
Wolverine: Origins
Toy Story 1, 2
Terminator 1, 2
High School Musical 1, 2, 3
Big Momma’s House
The Bone Collector
Lord of the Rings 1, 2, 3
Pirates of the Carribbean 1, 2, 3
The Dark Knight
Final Fantasy: Advent Children
Shawshank Redemption
House of Flying Daggers
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
Sin City
Hell Boy 1, 2
Transformers 1, 2
The Incredibles
Finding Nemo
Bug’s Life
Beauty and the Beast
Aristocats
Sleeping Beauty
Thank You for Smoking
Babel
Batman Begins
Iron Man
The Island
Princess Mononoke
Spirited Away
Howl’s Moving Castle
Kiki’s Delivery Service
Nausicaa
Wallace and Gromit (all)
Bride and Prejudice
Pride and Prejudice
Phantom of the Opera
Speed Racer
Equilibrium
Harry Potter 1, 2, 3, 4
Star Wars 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Star Trek: Nemesis
Blade
The Crow
Edward Scissorhands
Legend of Sleepy Hollow
Once Upon a Time in China 1, 2
Laputa: Castle in the Sky
Bring It On 1, 2
Dragonball Evolution
Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li
Labyrinth
The Chronicles of Narnia 1, 2
The Golden Compass
Ratatouille
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Dang I watch a lot of movies…and this is just scratching the surface.

I got the USB internet stick from LOUDSHIT. She didn’t even look me in the face when she handed it to me. I asked her the questions I wanted the answer to. I really had to pry it out of her and even asked her why she took me off her friends list on facebook. I mean, I must have done something so bad to be removed from something like facebook!!!

The bitch doesn’t stop talking. She said stuff like she felt like I was getting upset/sad about not being a part of things and even things that don’t deal with me. Said that she removed me because she wanted me to be happy because the things she’s writing or posting on facebook is making me sad/frustrated. blah blah blah.

Totally made no sense at all, and she really kept talking that I couldn’t even defend myself or put a good word in before I was cut off by all her blubbering.

If she wanted me to be happy, how is taking me off her FB any help? Someone who truly wants me to be happy wouldn’t try to cut all ties with me, but instead understand how or why I’m feeling the way I do and talk to me. Heck, even invite me to have a lunch just me and her to talk and get to know each other. But of course LOUDSHIT and the rest are too stupid to realize what bitches they are!

And saying I’m getting frustrated over things that don’t have anything to do with me??? The thing is, I was trying to be involved and get to know them and make friends! They’re the one that shunned me and made me an outcast. I wanted to be somebody, and I was tyring to make friends with NAZILOVER, but she sure turned out to be a bitch. Instead, I became the everyone/anybody, everybody in “Not Everyone was invited”.

Bitches. Hags. Shitheads.

I also found out that probably a month ago, TWOFACE broke up with her boyfriend. I call her TWOFACE because she’s really nice and sweet and bubbly and everyone loves her. I mean everyone. But she’s not what she seems. Maybe she’s more like Snake in Sheep’s clothing, but TWOFACE is just better sounding.

Yorick says that these girls are obviously bitches and something wrong with them because their relationship gets broken. I don’t really know about that since I don’t know the whole story, but it’s plausible. For one things, 1 guy (LOUDSHIT’’s ex) was a Dutch guy and he sponsored her to come to NL. He must of really felt strongly about her to do that, and now they’ve broken up. TWOFACE’s ex is an American, but they came to Holland together. A guy wouldn’t bring someone with him unless she’s important enough.

Bitches.

Yes I’m bitter!!

I hate it, but I do wish bad karma to them.

Today at work, I wanted to tell LOUDSHIT to give back the USB stick because it’s almsot the end of the year and I imagine her to be rather forgetful…and I don’t think I’ll be seeing her when school’s over. So it was really just a reminder. So I see her and I say, “I’d like to get the USB stick back…” and I didn’ really get to finish with my reasoning why and she says to me, “Oh yeah, I wanted to give it back to you last week, but I didn’t see you at all.” I was shocked, so I asked her if she got Internet already. She says no, she hasn’t, so I asked her why she wanted to give it back to me. She said she figured I’d want it back.

Now why would she think I’d want it back? *eyes roll left and right*

Well, she said she’ll give it back to me tomorrow. During that time, I’m going to ask her specifically why she’d think I’d want it back last week. I’m interested to see what she’ll say! I also was looking on facebook and saw that she removed herself as a friend!! I’m very surprised since the other girls didn’t remove me. I think…I hope I can talk to LOUDSHIT and see what she has to say.

—————————–
Am I condescending? Do I talk down on people? Maybe that’s why people don’t like me. Maybe I am arrogant. No, I am arrogant and I am a smart ass and I think I know everything.

I am really grossed out by how stupid some kids are when it comes to math. Math is so logical. But they just can’t figure it out. >,<

Okay, I shouldn’t gripe and moan, I am suppsoed to be a “teacher”. Bejeezus tho.

First off, I really want to thank Sin for reading my blog and commenting and being “there”.
And of course Yorick for really being there.
And his family for being there too and having concerns for me. I really appreciate it all everyone.

I’m back at work now. Wouldn’t say I want to be here. But it’s a good way to pass the time. The boy (whom I assist) will be gone beginning Wednesday, so I only have to work for 2 days!!! Woot! Well, during his absence, I will be working on the Learning Assistant Report that I have to write. I’m going to just take some time today and tomorrow the write it, so I can just have the rest of the week free. He’ll be back next week too. Basically, ANY time I have off from school, I will take it because I don’t care to be here.

Still waiting on word from the lady at the Embassy. I really hope I hear something…I’ll take any job, even a part time one that’s just filing papers and making coffee. I know something like that wouldn’t be a challenging job, but I do like having a constant rhythem in life while there’s chaos everywhere. I might even just take a 2nd part time job too, tutoring or whatever. I’m very lucky to have Yorick, and especially since he has a stable job. Because of him, I can be a bit more carefree. It’s not that I don’t want to work, I do like to work because it’s making money!! I’m just really glad that because of Yorick, it’s not critical that I have a full-time job. I just need a job to make that extra bit so we can live comfortably.

Before I forget, I want to add, in a funny story today. Today, the kids were allowed to look in the dictionary and find words to be their spelling words of the week. My favorite little girl (half Chinese, half German!) was looking in the dictionary with a friend (a boy). They found the word breast.

“Breast? (reads definition) Ew ew ew ew….”
“Hehe, you don’t have any (yet).”
“Stop it, I don’t want it.”
“But you don’t have it.”
“Stop, I don’t want it, ew.”
“But you need it to have kids!”

That was HILARIOUS. They are the cutest ever. And I just love that halfbreed little girl. So smart and bright. She’s pretty too, in that mixed way too.

Anyway, so somethign else on my mind. I had lent out this USB Internet thing about 3 weeks ago to LOUDSHIT because I took pity on her for not having Internet (she moved) and I was being nice. When all that crap happened and burst last week, I felt really upset naturally and wanted to get back that USB stick. But I really felt hesitant to get it. I don’t know what I’m afraid of. But so I looked at some websites on how to deal with bitches. Some funny stuff out there. Anyway, one of them says to feel sorry for them, and be nice to to them. Well, I guess I have been doing something right all this time. Because that’s what I did.

So I’ll just let it be. LOUDSHIT can just keep borrowing that thing for now. School’s almost over and I’m getting it back, obviously. And if she doesn’t give it back, I’ll hunt her down.

I went home early yesterday from work. Came home…laid in bed…felt really depressed and horrible…and fell asleep for 3 hours. Never done that before…I still can’t fathom how I could go home and sleep for 3 hours during the day when my biological clock says I should be awake. But I did, and I guess it was my body saying, “you are really sad poor girl…let’s sleep to pass time.”

Dreamt a lot during my sleep, can’t remember much of it, except it was rather normal, probably dealt with normal day at work (minus all the crap). Not particularly happy, but not sad dream either, so I woke up feeling a tiny bit better. Still depressed, so I went to play Ratatouille (sp?) on the Wii (thanks to Tos for lending it to me) to not think unhappy thoughts. Really incapable of thinking happy thoughts, so it’s a distraction I need!

Played it till Yorick came home. He came home, still kept on playing, still glum. Called a guy about a possible opportunity to work at the US Embassy. Cried after the phone call. Not because I was sad about the phone call…just cried for no apparent reason except that I’m just so blue.

Really have lost my appetite: I don’t feel hunger. Have to tell myself that I need to eat. Decided to go biking. Yorick went biking with me. Poor boy; not getting food because I’m not cooking and he was about to make a sandwich and I decided to go biking. Eventually found a random snackbar on the bike back home. I think we went biking from around 8:30 to 10:00 or so. It’s still light during those times here. Biking helped cheer me up because Netherlands is really pretty with all that water, bridges and greenery. And also, during the ride, we passed by two scooters. First one was a girl going really fast. 2nd were two boys seeming to try chasing after the girl. Yorick said that the two guys looked horny. I asked him how he knew. Yorick said they both had these big grins on their faces that seem to say, “Oh yeah, hurry, let’s catch up to her!” I didn’t see either of those people’s faces because I rarely look at people in the face. But I thought it was really funny, so I said to Yorick that I want to see what it looks like and pedaled faster so he could chase after me with a horny look. Hahaha, it was funny.

Got home, ate fruit and more jook with fish (congee). That’s all i’ve been eating, fruit and congee with fish, and a handful of cheese puffs. Answered a bunch of silly questions on Yahoo! Answers, went to bed near 1am. A thought crossed my mind as I went to sleep: I feel better, maybe I should go to work. But then also thought that I really need this break.

Got up feeling better still, thinking that I should go to work…I usually hate not going to work when you say you’re sick, but you’re still walking and feel rather fine. But have no come to terms that I really am sick, just not the sneezy runny coughing kind. Using this day to reflect and relax. I am glad I took the day off. Really need it. I don’t know if I could go to work and see those people…would constantly think all day how to avoid!! Need more time away, so yes, again, I am glad I took the day off.

Watching True Blood. A lot of dark scenes and the computer monitor is dark and reflective. See my reflection a lot. Noticed that I look cute if I let my hair down (not clipped like usual). My hair is what I love the most of myself…everything else sucks. Been thinking since last night that I am going to work on my diet. Hopefully it will help me lose weight and clear up my skin. Decided I will go on a fruit and congee diet. Soy milk in the morning and a multi-vitamin pill to fill in any gaps. I think I’m thinking crazy too.

During the bus ride home yesterday, I thought about just taking a backpack and just going out backpacking through Holland/Europe. A sort of walkabout (Australian aboriginal thing, I think). Find myself, is the key. But I have the directional sense of a rug. And not sure of the laws about random “homeless” girl going about the country. And I’m too self conscious about my body odor. Would want to shower in this current heat wave.

Checked my email, got an email from the guy who has a potential opportunity for me to get a job at the US embassy. He wants my CV. Working on my CV, realized something interesting about myself. I can detect what a person is thinking by hearing their voice. It’s the tone, expression, and certain words used. Don’t know when I got so good at it. Maybe from the fact that I do it so often trying to guess what people are saying in Dutch. Not sure if it’s a talent, but despite not knowing the language that well, I can make very good guesses what a person is saying. All I usually need is about 2 words I do know and my brain fills in the rest. But I think I’m thinking crazy too. And I think that way because I like to disprove myself before other people can disprove me. Bad habit, I know. There, I did it again.

Thinking, maybe people find me creepy because I can read their minds, in a way. Don’t like person that really know what you’re thinking. No, not that I can read minds, sorry. It’s more like…I know the reason of why a person does something. Yes, that’s it.

So tired. I think I’m starting to get hungry. Having plain jook. Didn’t want to get the fish out. Didn’t want to buy chicken. I may crack and egg into it. Oh yeah, I forgot to do that….

My self esteem is really low and I am deep into a depressive state.
I wonder if even modern day medicine can help this.
Actually, any kind of medicine or consumable can help end it all if, you know, just over dose or eat too much and just die from a heart attack, cancer, or whatever.

I wonder if eating is a good way to go.

I couldn’t really. Just really bummed. At work now. And I think I might retire early to just go home and play video games. Probably call in sick tomorrow.

Went to ask bushbeater why CRAPFACE was asked to do the maternity leave cover. He said, because she had the experience. Then I said, but I thought it is a supply (substitute) teacher position. Afterall, how can anyone ever get a teaching position if even supply teaching looks at your experience. He couldn’t really say, but beat around the bush and said that there were supply teachers that he didn’t even ask to fill in the maternity leave. That doesn’t say anything at all…duh, it’s not liek you ask everyone really. And I guess I am part of everyone, so i wasn’t asked. Oh, and yeah, I don’t have experience.

I asked him, is it really just lack of experience? He said yes, that’s what it just is simply. *sigh*

I’m feeling really angry and upset and frustrated now. But on the outside, I am really sad. I can only think bad thoughts though. I see people, and think how ugly they are, how they should just die and how stupid they all are.

I hate kids. They’re really annoying. They scream, lie, do stupid things.

And I wonder why I am like this. Why am I so sensitive and hurt about this? There really is no reason, right? Crappy things happen, and then you die. Oh wait, that’s supposed to be Life’s a Bitch, and then you Die. Yeah. I really shouldn’t be so dramatic. I hate having so much emotions. It’s like of all the aspect about me, my emotions has a 40x magnifying lens on it.

Well, I didn’t say I WAS going to close the blog. I said I had to mull over the idea of whether I really want to close it or not. After giving it a bit of thinking, I’ve decided that I will keep this blog open until the day I become happy enough (or busy enough) with my life that I don’t need some digital space to rant and vent and moan into.

People like to read about other people’s misfortune it seems anyhow. I remember my blog was the most popular during the time I was going through some drama…I think it was drama with my roommate.

At the moment, I am in another dramatic predicament in life. I feel like I’m in high school again. Oh, how I hate high school. I sometimes wonder if maybe this is all karma. I must have been such a deceitful and terrible person in my previous life.

So, it’s been really bad at work lately. Well, let me back up and say that this is going to be a long post. Anyway, when I started the job, I started at the same time as this girl (she will be CRAPFACE) who also was from California, and we were both hired to do pretty much the same kind of job (except I had 1 child full time, and she had 2 kids, each part time). This was back in early September and I was living in Gouda with Yorick and his family. Travelling between school and home took 1 hour and 10 minutes. Anyway, I was not getting emails sent to the staff, so I went and found out who I should email to about it, got the name of the person, and got myself onto the email list. I even went above and beyond and told the person to also add CRAPFACE into the emails. How nice of me, eh?

Well, CRAPFACE is quite outgoing and made friends quick with the younger staff members of the school. I even saw her a few times talking to the Principal, whom I rarely got a chance to talk to because of my job. (It’s funny how I work so hard on 1 kid, where I think she’s definitely got way more slack off time than me when she’s got 2 kids, thus more time to mingle.)

Gawds I have a bad headache.

So CRAPFACE and all the other ones, like LOUDSHIT, BIGMOUTH, TWOFACE, SHORTMOP, IRISHCUNT, and OLDFARTBAG really get along and start to hang out with each other. I had trouble hanging out with them because I was living in Gouda. I wasn’t invited to some thing one day, and I made a statement about it. And then they’d invite me, but the times they did invite me (2-3) I had good reasons as to why I didn’t go (i.e., far to travel). And they stopped inviting me.

I finally move to the same city where I work and now travelling to/from work is 50 minutes. I try to be more active and take part in as much as possible to make friends. No avail. For some reason, I became some kind of outcast! I have no clue why or how either!!

And if you who are reading is thinking things like I’m not trying hard enough to make friends or whatever (like how everyone I’ve talked to have thought), you can go fuck the cow next door. Because I talked to them about whatever I could think of that they might find funny or interesting. And it would just end there. THEY don’t really initiate conversation with me. I have invited people to lunch or to whatever, and NOTHING. It’s just FUCK fuck FUCK and more FUCK.

So this new girl comes to the school, NAZILOVER. I thought she seemed nice, and I thought I could try to make friends! I went ahead and initiated contact. I emailed her and said we should hang out some time, and she was very enthusiastic about it. She was going to be getting married soon to this German guy and she even said to me, “Wow, we can talk about wedding stuff!” and that made me so happy because I thought, “Yay, a friend!” We got together and then…nothing.

LOUDSHIT has this birthday party and she invited everyone, including me, how nice! Well, fuck that. NAZILOVER got there kind of late, had to sit by me and Yorick on a separate table from LOUDSHIT. And you know what NAZILOVER says? “Ooh, I wish I could sit by LOUDSHIT because she’s just so funny!” Gee, thanks, I take it you don’t want to be seen by me either right??

CRAPFACE got offered a “job” to substitute for this lady going on maternity leave. WHY did she get offered the position when I too am looking for a job. CRAPFACE doesn’t even like the younger kids (7 and younger), which the class will be composed of (6 and 7 years old). Not that I want the job because I sure as hell don’t want any damn position in the same crap school because the same crap people are staying. Also, the school has to file so much crap paperwork in order to hire CRAPFACE, where that wouldn’t be a problem for me!! The principal is such a bush beater. And if only he was a Bush beater, that’d be better, but no, he’s just a dumb bush beater.

SHORTMOP is so damn cynical and just turns anything funny I try to say back onto me and makes me a fool. IRISHCUNT is so brutish that she’s even been kind of kicked out of the group!! OLDFARTBAG is okay and I can’t say much mean about her since she’s fair (not looks) and plays nice, but she’s part of them, so bah to her. TWOFACE is really so two-faced because she’s just so nice to everyone…and I mean everyone. But her allegiance is to the Bitches, so she’s also a Bitch. BIGMOUTH is pretty two-faced as well, and she thinks she knows what she’s talking about, but she’s really underhanded and a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

On the side there’s BITCHFACE because her face really looks like a bitch. Then there’s GABABLABBA because she’s just loud and blabs and haha to her because despite what a happy occasion it is that she got twins, her bladder’s ruined so she can’t take care of her babies!!!

Oh yeah, and breaking news! NAZILOVER invited LOUDSHIT to her wedding in Germany! And I bet she invited others too. I really tried to become friends with her…and I was the one that initiated it first, and if anything, I would say I was the first to reach out and become friends with her. But I guess Bitch Gang got blinged and NAZILOVER likes shiny stuff. I found out because LOUDSHIT (she just can’t keep quiet) wrote on her Facebook status (7 hours ago) that she hopes she’ll be all good to go this Saturday for the wedding. I saw it and just commented saying how migraines are a strange thing…and btw, whose wedding are you going to? Minutes after I commented that, she posts the same status minus 3 words: for the wedding. (And the old status was REMOVED!!!!) Do you really think I’m paranoid? The coincidences of all these things happening is just too coincidental. I don’t believe in coincidences anymore.

Fuck them all. I really am so angry. So angry…really….to the point that it HURTS inside. It hurts so much.

Why oh why!?!?? Are we in high school again? Why do I have to hurt? Why can’t I not care? I just want to slice my neck and go into a corner and cry till I’m blind so I can just live this world without seeing another deceitful face. Cry and blow my nose until my brain goes dry and blood runs out of my ears so I don’t have to hear another silence because I am shunned and left alone.

Why do I cry??? Why does it hurt? I am not bleeding, there is no physical pain, but the tears just gather up and fall endlessly. And people say I was so emo back in the days. How can I not be emo??? How can I not feel these feelings?? How can people dislikes me so much and I can never know what I did wrong because people dont tell me? ARG my headache won’t go away.

And I know that thinking so much bad thoughts and wishing so much bad things unto these people…it can only mean bad things for me. But I’m to a point that I don’t mind being hit by a damn tram. If I become disabled, I will ask for Euthanasia and just go out that way. *sigh*